Ayame Neechan's Ramen Stall
by kurokinshiro
Summary: A Naruto alternate universe blog entry about figure skating. In honor of the 2010 Vancouver Olympic Winter Games.


**Ayame-Neechan's Ramen Stall**

Disclaimer(s): Naruto is Kishimoto Masashi-sensei's. Any brand you recognize is not mine.

Author's Note: This is **utterly AU**. The title is a play on a(n) (in)famous figure skating blog, Aunt Joyce's Ice Cream Stand. This piece seeks to emulate (somewhat) the tone of that blog writer's style, and pales in comparison to his snarky wit and general diva-ness. **Not meant to be taken seriously at all**, as this fiction will frequently profess opinions that are not my own (or his, in many instances. He is also **not** a person who strikes me as a manga/anime fan or one who reads fanfic). The whole thing is just making fun of the quirks and the drama of figure skating, and will reference a lot of the things that have happened in the past/in the current season.

Warning(s): M Rating, for language and situations, just to be safe.

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**Ayame-Neechan's Ramen Stall**

by Ayame "Cleo's (Mos)Cow Bells" Neechan

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**A Hot, Hot Mess: Olympic Season Begins**

**This and That**

(September 10, 20__)

Yes, it's time for that five-ring symbol to be plastered all over the landscape again, from rinks to designer sportswear to tacky pins. My spies have gone ninja on me and have sent the latest news from the slippery world of figure skating. Really, it's _not that hard_. People _do_ surreptitiously take photos and videos, and our young, tech-savvy ice princesses have themselves eschewed publicists and gone Twitter-y (or Facebook) on everyone. Skating officials are gnashing their teeth because our young divas have not yet learned (will they ever?) the value of discretion. In other words, no censorship between brain and mouth, compounded by social media (or reality shows), equals PR nightmares for the skating union. And this is not taking into account the tangled, tangled web that is Youtube or the viper's nests that are the skating message boards…

It is shaping up to be a very promising year, indeed!

On with the show:

Last year's biggest news was that of Uchiha Sasuke decamping for Team Serpent Tongue before the season even started. (CarmenKat has compiled a list of nicknames more suitable—i.e. accurate—for His Slitheringness, but as they all insinuated squicky law-breaking tendencies involving minors, Serpent Tongue seemed the safest bet.) The improvement, skills and performance-wise, had been quite evident, prompting one judge to remark (off the record, of course), that "they could give him Olympic gold and be done with it." Fellow blogger and former admirer FlowerFan begged to differ. "It was a mistake to ditch the Scarecrow. Uchiha drags you down with his skating; it's all oppressive feelings and despair. It's like ever since he's gone to Orochimaru he's turned into a bat from hell; I'm expecting fangs any day now. Everything about him has gone depressingly, disgustingly dark: his music choices, his choreography, even his costumes." I pointed out that the now (in)famous purple butt-bow last Nationals was a pop of color. She sniffed, "So instead of goth, dark and emo, his taste in clothing is _merely_ questionable." Looking back at Uchiha's exhibition skate outfit, the feather-hemmed long sleeves only reinforced the fashion disaster impression. I have to concede the point.

Taste (or lack thereof) aside, Sasuke looks to be a shoo-in for one of the three Olympic team spots. His jumps are excellent, including an all-important quad. His spins are not quite to the level of Hyuuga's (but then, whose is?), but he has speed, he gets wide ice coverage, his footwork garners level 4s, and he has a good international reputation. His aloofness has not hurt him with either judges or fans: the former awards him record-breaking scores, and the latter throw him flowers and lingerie. Insider WaterBoy paints a different view: Chicken ButtHead is _not_ pleased at being reminded of his elder brother's gold medal, or being asked about his family situation (those Uchihas are _quite_ the shady skating family), or being told that he doesn't have the range, musicality and subtlety of First Weasel. Needless to say, he's out for blood.

Speaking of quads, my army of ninjas are debating whether the Hyuuga prodigy could give Sasuke a run for his money. The Spin King has quietly trained all summer with (gasp!) his uncle to improve his already rock-solid jumps. I would have _loved_ to be a fly on the wall for _that _One Big Happy Hyuuga Family reconciliation. Nej104ever, a moderator at the Hyuuga Neji Forum, points out that Neji has never met a jump he couldn't fully rotate, but naysayers think that a quad axel is beyond anyone at this point. Me, I only want to ask what hair product he uses. I _live_ for the way it flips around when he flashes his eyes (i.e. stare of intimidation) at the judges' panel. There's _no way_ a guy with hair that pretty is straight, but Nej104ever apparently has photographic evidence to the contrary. She says it involves an empty locker room, bootlaces and Dango Buns (ooh, e-mail me please!). I also like his music this year—it's more laid-back, lighter, so to speak. Which brings me to ask: did we lose one emo skater only to gain another?! Last season it was Hyuuga who was clogging the air with his angsty Imprisoned Bird impressions and Beethoven's Fifth Symphony, _now_ it's Uchiha auditioning for a vampire movie. One of my spies snark that it's because only one of them is getting laid.

Chicken ButtHead is still a taboo subject over at the Leaf Skating Club. His departure has cast a pall of gloom which bogs down even the eternally optimistic Sunshine. Uchiha's departure seemed to breed more bad luck for his former coach Hatake. His competence as a teacher has been questioned (and some critics opine, rightfully so, because of his neglect of his other students), and while he is still listed as a coach for both Sasuke's old training mates, it's an open secret at LSC that Uzumaki and Haruno have sought out other trainers.

Sunshine has been spotted at different rinks this summer, training with the retired skater Jiraiya (yes, _that_ Jiraiya, bane of ladies' figure skating dressing rooms). Sunshine has been flying under the radar for a few years now, overshadowed by the popular Uchiha, but those in the know realize that he's one to watch out for. His training curve is absurd, and he'll definitely be the wild card come Nationals—if he manages to avoid any injuries due to his bad habit of over-training. Unverified rumors state that he has the respect of the Spin King and the friendship of Red Wind (who, pre-Sunshine, was notorious for kicking the boards whenever he lost his temper). If skating were a Congeniality Contest, Uzumaki Naruto would win hands down.

Naruto's skating is all excitement and frenzied movement, and his exhibition programs are a hoot. His energy on the ice travels well to the audience, who can't help but love him. People like a skater who picks himself up after a disastrous fall and still has the heart to skate lights out. I've met him before at a competition, and a nicer, friendlier skater I couldn't find (except perhaps Shrinking Violet). Convincing him to ditch his orange threads were an EPIC FAIL, though. He told me (with a completely straight face) that due to the orange, no one would mistake him for anyone else, even during (or maybe especially during) gala programs in a dimly lit rink. I had to stop my cousin Foxphile08 from suggesting neon green as a possible color. The road sign/radioactive jokes would be endless.

There's far bigger news than Uzumaki's costume choices, though. Foxphile08's diligent research has linked the orphaned Sunshine to a ladies' skater from the Whirlpool Skating Club back in the day. We were discussing him over dinner last night when we had an epiphany: the aforementioned female skater had been rumored to be involved with a few guys, but only one was the strong and logical choice to be Naruto's old man. Let's just say that if our conjectures are correct, Sunshine has skating in his genes—and champion skating at that. It now surprises us that no one has picked up on it, what with the young man looking like he does. (PM me for a hint if you still don't get it by the time the Games come around.)

Meanwhile, I have still not recovered from the horror that was Rock Lee's free skate costume. While I admire our 'youthful' Beanpole for his tenacity to come back after his almost career-ending injury two years ago, it didn't excuse the travesty of all that green spandex. Beanpole and Sunshine standing next to each other are dangerous for my eyesight. They have almost compelled me to bring my shades to the competitions. Another skater who got flak for his outfit was Inuzuka Kiba, who earned the ire of animal-rights activists for the fur on his costume. Kiba was bewildered, said he respected animals and pointed out that he is a known dog-lover; his agent insisted that the material was actually faux fur, and screeched, "Haven't they already done this with that pink tasselled, high heels-wearing skater?!"

As far as offensive costumes go, FlowerFan says that Haruno Sakura should have been ticketed last season for wearing that garish red SP dress which clashed horribly with her pink hair; luckily, she got the hint from the fan reactions and changed her outfit to a neutral white version at the next outing. I, on the other hand, think she made it work, and that the bigger controversy for people was her shockingly short hair. Certain fans who paired her with Uchiha have pointed to her hairdo as evidence that she was quite affected by her training mate's 'betrayal', while others said it symbolized her 'cutting off' the burden of caring for an ingrate. For myself, if people wanted proof of her feelings, I'd point them to her highly suspicious music last year. Spring Fairy was all Betrayed Odette in her short program to Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake, properly Scorned, Broken-hearted and Hateful Sorceress in her electrifying free skate to Barber's Medea. Not to mention that deliciously telling gala program to the Chess song "Someone Else's Story."

Spring Fairy really was very impressive, considering she managed to salvage her season despite the Scarecrow's focus on Sasuke. I just hope she has better music this year, as befitting a closeted b*tch. Maybe "Sorry" by Madonna for her exhibition program? I mentioned Carmen (for her competition skates) to my kunoichi, but FierceInPink pointed out that the Spanish bombshell was a shameless sl*t who drove Don José crazy with jealousy and ended up dying. That, and tons of skaters have already used this music. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. FlowerFan, FierceInPink and I all agree that Spring Fairy's take-no-prisoners diva-ness is just seething beneath the surface, and Chicken ButtHead's leaving may just be the catalyst to unleash it. I can certainly see her executing a fabulously spiteful triple-triple and knocking him down flat with it.

Another thing to look forward to is gold medalist Senju Tsunade's debut as Haruno's coach. Now _there's_ a blonde bombshell for you. This season will mark the first time in decades the Old Monkey's protégés will come together again, if only as mentors at rinkside. Anticipate 'claws-out' crackling tension between Serpent Tongue and his former training partners. Being acquitted of Sarutobi's attempted homicide due to lack of evidence apparently _will not_ cut it with the Princess, particularly when her status of old childhood friend allowed her intimate knowledge of terrible grudge-holding and unnerving proclivities.

Expect Leaf Princess to be welcomed back with open arms, for the skating world had felt her absence keenly for many years. Despite rumors of insolvency (our older fans will remember Senju's love of casinos and her financially unsound boob job), she has actually done quite well for herself, studying sports medicine after retiring. The ninjas absolutely hope that her no-holds barred attitude will be passed on to Spring Fairy; I predict that their match up will be a case of UTTER WIN. Early practice reports are already trickling in, and they're all good news for Haruno's fans: Sakura is in great shape. Her jumps are said to be higher, powerful and (more importantly) fully rotated. She's fixed her flutz. She's eating better. (Dare we say that assistant coach/sports psychologist Shizune has helped her with her body issues?) Witnesses say that her programs exude confidence and sass, with no Gothic Heroine or Damsel-In-Distress in sight. I say good for her!

Shrinking Violet is another skater who benefited from a change of coach. Last season, she switched from her father to former pairs skater Yuuhi Kurenai, who has helped her a lot in gaining confidence. The change was quite marked: Violet's footwork had improved, she held on to her jumps, and she looked as if she finally enjoyed being on the ice. There's no question in the minds of skating fans everywhere that when Hyuuga Hinata first burst onto the scene, she had all her jumps and spins in place and looked to be quite the baby ballerina. She left her composure at home, though. One can only speculate what a pressure cooker it was for her, training under Hyuuga Hiashi and always being compared to her jumping bean of a younger sister. Her implosion at Nationals two years ago still makes the rounds online, usually in an anti-Hiashi or anti-Neji vid. Violet had been a headcase, but she's a NICE headcase, alright?! And she's trying really hard! It's like kicking a puppy, for goodness' sake…

Spin King has changed his tune since then (sincerely, to our surprise), because Sunshine took him to task about Hinata, and outskated him at TEB in retaliation. My housemate SunNMoon107 has since felt the incident was proof enough to indulge in his Naruto/Hinata fantasies and along with like-minded people, littered Youtube with tribute videos. Naturally, the SasuNaru and NaruSaku fans took umbrage and spammed him like there's no tomorrow. It has since devolved into a free-for-all, with skating boards going down in flames and everyone posting their own vids touting their own favorites. _It really doesn't help_ that: 1) Sunshine has tunnel vision concerning his self-proclaimed rival, thus encouraging the (romantic) conspiracy theorists; 2) Shrinking Violet has been in love with Sunshine, like, totally, since forever; 3) Spring Fairy has been spouting off BS when she says she doesn't like Chicken ButtHead anymore and 'hints' at falling for Sunshine; and 4) Chicken ButtHead ran off with The Snake (whose 'preferences' are widely known) and keeps insisting that his skating is…_manly_. (_Ookay_, that's a whole other can of worms.)

The pairing wars have generated an interesting spin-off: Hinata vs. Sakura. No under-rotation is too small, no number of revolutions per spin is left un-scrutinized by these videos. The fans debate the two skaters to death: straight-line versus serpentine footwork, change of edge spirals, lips against flutzes, who has the better Biellmann or layback, triple axels versus triple-triple combos, etc. etc. ad infinitum. You could hire these people to teach the IJS to the ignorant public for free; they surely won't pass up the chance to educate the casual fans while tooting their own skater's horn at the same time. Not even the practice sessions and warm-ups have been spared. Videos with titles like "Who has been screwing up Hyuuga Hinata's jumps?" or "Lots of skaters hate Haruno Sakura" have racked up such big numbers on Youtube that even the international press has taken note. Talk about grudge matches.

At the very least, fans from both sides allow that each skater has both technique and expression, and we will thus avoid repeating that hullabaloo in the past when an 'athletic' but 'boring' skater won over an 'artistic' but 'under-rotating' competitor because of a 'solid' free skate. The pitfalls of the COP were then painfully exposed in an Olympic year and rained a backlash on the winner, with one bitter fan spitefully remarking that she was just "a pudgy-looking chipmunk who can only do jumps to music." Ouch. Like a famous old coach once said, no one likes a boring ladies' skater. What a relief that Shrinking Violet and Spring Fairy have drama-filled lives to serve as a background to their (non)rivalry (they're friendly in real life). By the way, we really should change Hinata's nickname. It doesn't hold true anymore. Send me your proposals and we could have a vote.

Little Miss Piggy is looking more and more fabulous each passing day. After she dropped singles like a hot potato years ago, Yamanaka has been showing the crowd how a diva in ice dance should really be like. Critics say that she made the change because she couldn't catch up anymore to her childhood rival Haruno, but Miss Piggy breezily brushed off the comments, saying that she could put her talents to better use in her new discipline. "I've done ballet off the ice. I've been dancing since I was a child. It was a reasonable decision." With her showy looks, equally showy moves and costumes, Yamanaka Ino has since taken the ice dance world by storm. Before anyone accuses her of style over substance, one should first watch her winning free dance with partner Sai at the previous Nationals. Have you seen those nice, deep edges? How 'bout them spectacularly synchronized twizzles? And her 'attitudes' during those lifts are absolutely magnificent.

Ino's other half, BlanketyBlank, almost gets lost in the shuffle. Almost. Ice dance follower SnowBoar says it's because in spite of being an attractive man, Sai usually has little expression on his face. We got to talk with them after a show last year, and surprisingly, they both agreed to the nickname. Sai revealed that he and his uncle Danzo had led a sheltered life with little social interaction. Miss Piggy added that she and the others at the Leaf Skating Club have been teaching him niceties, and that off the ice he has socialized most with her best friend/former rival Sakura, and Naruto. (Judging by the furious tweets from those two, though, Sai's education has been hit-and-miss.) Ino was enthusiastic about her new partner (who calls her Miss Gorgeous), said that he was artistic and that they tended to bounce ideas off each other, even about their costumes. (It's an ill-kept secret that Little Miss Piggy is an unapologetic fashionista who would rather _die_ than skate out to center ice in a fashion miss-step.) "It's so easy to fail when it comes to ice dancing outfits. We all know horror stories of wardrobe malfunctions, seen pictures of glorified cupcakes or oodles of sequins or strategically placed rags and too much skin. I'd like to think Sai and I rather walk the thin line of edgy without being vulgar. And we make sure to do our homework when the compulsory and original dances are assigned." (We supposed that she was taking a jab about the inexcusably horrific, burned-forever-in-your-retinas original dance costumes purportedly inspired by Aborigines Down Under. _That_ was one hot international mess.)

SnowBoar has been all over this pairing; she used to be an Ino/Shikamaru fan but had to grudgingly admit that the guy was hard to motivate (that, and he had no stamina to put up with Ino). She now queens over Nara's coaching potential, because she thinks his stint as assistant choreographer at the Winter Wonderland ice show revealed a mind that could milk the COP system for all its worth. I have to agree he seems quite promising—his music choices, his creative choreography all showcased the skaters' strengths and downplayed their weaknesses. He just needs a little more experience (particularly in the politicking and psych wars of the sport). Right now, Nara is helping out Sarutobi Asuma and Yuuhi Kurenai polish Ino/Sai's programs, but he will definitely be one to look out for.

One person who is not a fan of Miss Piggy is slated to commentate for Nationals. (O-ho.) Ino and skater-turned-journalist Deidara have been taking potshots at each other over who originated their similar hairdos. I rather welcome Deidara's new assignment. I say he's the lesser evil, compared to the "triple fluuuutz" commentary we've endured for the past ten years. (Fellow fans, you _know _who's guilty of this. I'd really rather put up with Deidara's incessant 'un'.)

Readers have asked about Aburame Shino and Akimichi Chouji. After creditable showings at the last Nationals, Shino has taken up Biology at Leaf University, while Chouji is studying Nutrition. Chouji is also getting hands-on training from his dad Chouza, and he is expected to succeed the latter as the person in charge of the skaters' meals at LSC. Both young men still skate for fun, and find the time to attend competitions as moral support for their friends.

The politicking has started. Coach Pein (the retired ice dancer), insiders say, has been lobbying for his charge, the lovely ladies skater Konan. Konan is older than most of the field she will be facing at Nationals, but she has the benefit of having gone to the Olympics before and had a respectable showing there. All I can say is, be careful, girl. With two marriages and two divorces under his belt (yes, he coached both of his ex-wives), Pein's track record points to mixing business with pleasure. The ninja army have also culled gossip that the coaches of Stone and Lightning are reportedly on the move behind the scenes. Mist Skating Club's Terumi Mei is watching for now, biding her time. Kudos to her for not giving up when her club was decimated with in-fighting and defections to other coaches. Sound Skating Club's Karin only wishes she has a tenth of Miss Terumi's queen-ness. Not to mention that her vampire victim impression is quite unsightly.

Now that we've mentioned 'older' skaters, can somebody _please_ tell Yakushi Kabuto to GO AWAY? He's been at it for seven seasons already, without ever finishing beyond fourth at any competition. He also used to withdraw from quite a number of them. CarmenKat is frankly tired of his M.O., and is contemplating whether the guy has any ulterior motive beyond trying to keep his sponsors. I told her she's becoming as paranoid as that judge Morino Ibiki. She retorted that I wasn't willing to see beneath the underneath.

Our pairs skating is in the pits. Uchiha2 (or U&U, as some smart alecks would say) used to make me think they might eventually match the stature of G&G, but they crashed and burned spectacularly years ago, and Mikoto was never able to skate again. Her husband became a hardened man and focused on bringing up his sons to be Olympic champions. Ah, the heartbreak. Mystery still surrounds the circumstances of their death, and meanwhile, we struggle to rebuild this discipline. Some readers think that Temari and Kankuro should have stayed on together as seniors. Are you kidding me?! It was cute when they were still kids, but brother and sister skating to Romeo and Juliet or a Tango Romantica GIVES ME THE ABSOLUTE CREEPS. Temari outskated him, anyway, and she has a good senior career right now in singles. Kankuro doesn't seem too broken-hearted about it; he's gone on to play professional hockey. I know that it's not necessary for a skating pair to be romantically involved. I'm quite fine with platonic relationships; it even makes for fun speculation when skater A, paired with B, is dating C who is the partner of D. But PLEASE, I draw the line at siblings. Ew. Can we say squick? I totally reacted, "That's disgusting! They're married!" when my mom thought G&G (_only_ the greatest pairs skaters of their time) were sibs because of their height difference. That's how creeped out I can get over this thing.

As a parting shot, I will answer LeafMook213's question about where the title of this blog came from. Singles skater Sunshine's stomach is a bottomless pit (luckily for him, as this sport is quite unforgiving concerning pounds), and his favorite food is ramen. There is a real ramen stall which he frequents, and oftentimes, other skaters (mostly from the LSC) drop by to greet him or eat there also (rather, drink tea there, as they're watching their weight). You might suddenly find yourself in a conversation with a skater or coach; most of the LSC people are down-to-earth. Inevitably, some gossiping also occurs. Ayame is also real. FlowerFan and I are trying to determine whether she likes Scarecrow or Dolphin, Naruto's old coach. :D

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Author's Note 2: The 2010 Winter Games start in a few days. I couldn't resist. In case any of you are wondering, skaters whose programs and performances I liked this season are Suzuki Akiko (the Japanese 'Maria'), Kim Yeon-Ah (Bond Girl), Asada Mao, Christina Gao, Adam Rippon, Stephane Lambiel (Spinning Snow Zebra, yay!), Shen Xue & Zhao Hongbo, Meryl Davis & Charlie White (Jai Ho), and Tessa Virtue & Scott Moir. Like Aunt Joyce, I won't predict anything for the Olympic podium. I might jinx somebody, and Olympic ice is notoriously slippery.


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